Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
