Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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