Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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