He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
