Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
