bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
