My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Someone came in the potted fern
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
