it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
