You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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