So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
