new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
