the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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