yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
