First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
