my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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