Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
