She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
