Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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