I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
