My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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