I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
