come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
