Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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