If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Pants are for mortals
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
