I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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