mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
