i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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