you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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