how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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