Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize