Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Randomize