when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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