Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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