It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize