she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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