My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
