She is in my trunk
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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