hell yes lets make some ravioli
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
So many bounce houses so little time
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
