Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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