so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
