based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
