The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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