i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
