my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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