I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize