i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
