So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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