dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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