I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
