On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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