Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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