all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize