Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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