I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
God, I missed his penis.
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