i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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