If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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