I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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