I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
