i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
