I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
