Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
