Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
