but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
