my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
