Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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