Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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