he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
